When Everything Falls Apart
“Remember that there is nothing stable in human affairs; therefore avoid undue elation in prosperity, or undue depression in adversity.”
Socrates
The world of aging parents is a complex system. This is not simply a scientific observation; it is a critical point that most of us gloss over on the way to getting things done. We adult children are doers, and it is in our middle age blood to make things happen. Not fully appreciating the implications of trying to manage a complex human system can crush our expectations and send us reeling in reverse.
Complex systems come with certain rules that define their nature, the immutable laws of how they work. One that is especially significant to adult children and their aging parents is the “disproportionate” rule: minor changes can produce major consequences.
All of us have experienced this painful reality but maybe thought it was bad luck or unfortunate timing. It wasn’t. It was the nonlinear ricochet of a system always on the verge of disproportionate behavior. Why is this useful?
First, it reminds us that there are no “little” changes in the world of aging parents. Any action, throwing out old magazines, scheduling an appointment without telling them, or not including a sibling in what seems a minor decision can trigger a temporary “system shut down.” This is the innate, chronic turbulence of aging parents-family systems. To expect anything else is to make an already challenging situation nearly impossible.
Second, it allow us to set realistic expectations for all parties involved in the drama. No amount of planning, effort, or hyper-vigilance can overcome the disproportionate rule. If you are defining success as an adult child in terms of perserving system stability, then the odds of of being successful are close to nil. Better to define success in terms of “caregiver aikido,” how well you flex, adjust, and rechannel the predictable upheaval of disproportionate events until they run their course. This gives you a fighting chance to reduce the impact of these irrational dramas that take a nasty toll everyone who gets in their way.
David Solie
Topics: Aging Parents | 4 Comments »
January 23rd, 2008 at 9:26 am
I just stumbled across your blog while doing some Bloglines searches. And I really like your layout and the subject. Just thought I’d let you know since we both write for similar blogs!
February 1st, 2008 at 11:37 am
My sister, who works with the Council on Aging, just found your blog and passed it around. I love the article on “disproportionate consequences”. As a middle aged child with her own young children, I am on the move and have to be flexible all the time. It is so easy to forget that my mother is most comfortable in her own routine and that I sometimes wreak havoc on her house, body and soul by pushing “just this one little thing” on her.
Maybe I”ll remember to appreciate her for where she is right now, and not where I think it would be best, or easier, for her.
May 15th, 2008 at 5:49 am
Loved this post! I’m in that situation right now with my parents, and it is so very true. Linked to this on my blog, by the way.
January 13th, 2009 at 8:23 am
Great post. My siblings and I recently experienced this will our mother. We thought cleaning, organizing, redoing her bathrooms and rearranging her furniture would give her a boost on life. What we discovered is that all she wanted was to spend as much time as possible with us. She liked things the way the were, and felt we were controlling her. All the time we spent doing these things could have been better spent by just spending quality time with her. We know she appreciated all we had done, but in the end it was about feeling needed and wanted. Don’t lose sight of what really counts.
Cathy Warren
http://www.Over60exchange.com